I believe the one of the hardest challenges men in general face is being the version of a man a woman wants them to be. Oh, not just any women, but the woman that man is drawn to. You see, men will only put on a costume for the women they desire. Women they do not, well you see the man as he truly is, warts and all!
Now if you know anything about me, you know I am a Highly Responsive Sensation Seeking man. Extremes at both ends. My personality trait according to the Myers-Briggs tests places me as an INFJ-T. Yeah, what the hell is that you ask? And what does this have to do with men’s and women, read on!
For those of you who stay clear of psychology, and focus more on, oh let’s see…. Brain numbing activities such as Tel-Lie Vision, then you wouldn’t be interested. But for those who are trying to improve themselves and haven’t a clue what this is, I suggest you take the mini version test yourself and just see where you are.
My personality, of course, is believed to be to be the rarest of all personality’s, which means, people such as me are equally rare and……. alone. And for good reason, but hey, this blog isn’t about me as much as it is about men and their relationships with women. I am only pointing out that personality traits are important, largely because, as much as you can improve certain areas of your personality, you cannot change it entirely, and that my friends, is the problem we face.
All blogs and posts are based on idea’s, ideas inspired by experience
This blog was triggered…. yes, triggered as many of my posts on social media are by an event or experience. Now before you judge me, know I take time to allow the initial emotional impact to be absorbed and use the skills I have acquired to transform reactions into responses. My intent is not to harm anyone, only to shed light on an aspect of life those who are trying to improve may find useful.
Allow me to set the stage. Imagine a kind, caring and considerate man! A man who goes out of his way to help those in need for he has developed a plethora of skills along his journey in life. Skills developed out of necessity. You see, many highly sensitive people, especially INFJ-T’s work hard at trying to acquire as much knowledge and skills as they can, primarily so they can help others. It’s part of their personality.
Life’s stories are but acts upon a stage
So here we have a multi-talented, kind, caring and considerate man who goes out of their way to help a woman not just once, nor twice but many times. Now, if you are thinking there is intimate intentions on behalf of the man, then you clearly do not understand HSP’s, so best stop reading ang go back to your Tel-Lie-Vision soap operas.
The woman he is helping insists on paying him for she is all about keeping it as a business relationship and demands the HSP gives her a price for his help! I really want to emphasis the word HELP here.
The man, being HSP struggles with this because it’s in his very nature to help people in need, for him it’s not employment, its kindness. People who refuse this kindness by turning it into employment do not comprehend how offended this makes an HSP feel. Equally, kindness is all the HSP expects in return.
Not wanting to insult, the man, after much refusal of payment comes up with a meager amount, only to be insulted again by the recipient of his kindness as they say “Do you not know your worth”.
HSP’s and again especially INFJ-Ts are extremely detail orientated. Not just in the work they do, but in listening to the words that they hear. They know the meaning of these words far better than most, simply because they mean a lot to them so the understanding falls into their attention to detail arena.
An HSP’s attention to detail can become a wall between them
and those without that attention to detail
Most people, shoot words out of their mouths as if they had no impact on those they hit. Now adays there is a huge campaign going on about “being offended” by words! What this campaign really is an attempt to protect the uneducated people who have no clue as to the words they are saying or who they are saying them too. You know the, “I don’t care” crowd…. oh, I’m sorry, did that offend you?
For an HSP to hear someone says, “Do you not know your worth” is extremely impactive, and here’s why!
HSP’s were made to believe their entire lives that they were broken in some way. That their emotions were “Too Sensitive” or they “took things too deeply” or my all-time favorite, “You think too much”! OK seriously folks, do they think too much or do others think too little, there is good argument on both sides…. if one thinks about it!
Now ask yourself, would you tell your child they are “No good” or they were “Flawed “in some way. Believe it or not many do, using terms like “Your retarded”, or “What’s wrong with you”, expecting the child to know those are words just used casually, you know, without meaning. The reality of it is, that child then begins to believe this as it is repeated time and time again, often by those that are supposed to be their care givers and…. love them.
Yeah, words do matter! Again, if you do not see that, your TV is waiting.
A child’s feelings are the foundation to their self-worth no matter where those feelings are created
Be it at school from bulling, or at home from neglect.
Self-worth is the development of a child’s understanding of who they are. Those that were taught they were special in a positive way and shown love unconditionally hold high levels of healthy self-worth. So, what is healthy self-worth? It’s one’s internal sense of being good enough and worthy enough of love and belonging to others.
However, the children who were shamed, punished, tormented for their personality and even neglected were rarely taught to embrace who they were as an individual. Their internal sense is they are not good enough, or worthy of being loved or belonging to others. They were told constantly to “Stop Crying” or “Grow up”, “Get over it” or for a man, the most painful of all, “man up” with absolutely no understanding how or to what expectation. These are the adults today that hold very low levels of self-worth.
Those, with different personality traits taught themselves to thicken their skin, which is a version of saying not to care. They did this because they held a different understanding of what the words Self Worth” meant. In throwing in this thick skin, they were able to over-come that self-worth issue…. but at a severe cost.
Those that have taught themselves to have “Thich Skin” equally have taught themselves to care less
The term “Careless” needs to be considered as it applies to the feelings of others.
You see, what these people lost in the process of gaining their own self-worth version was the kindness, the caring, the compassion and most importantly, how their actions and words affect others. For their version of Self-Worth has now become their foundation, their rock and their entire motivation for living.
Sadly, these people see their “Self – Worth” in the form of money and power. For that is how the majority of society measures people’s worth is it not? Inside, however these people suffer for their belief is now so strong that self-worth as defined by society is the most important of all, seeing others acts of kindness as a lack of worth, for it is completely foreign to them.
OK, let us expand this story, shall we?
The man keeps giving, keeps being kind, considerate and caring, because that is who he is. He is not wearing a costume for any hidden agenda for he has none. He continues to be employed now as he agreed to a fee that suits both himself and the…. employer, not because of the money but because he sees she needs help. Help in which he can offer. This is where the story takes a twist, as the employer continues to request the man’s services, finding small jobs here and there, she starts to develop feelings towards the man. She makes subtle hints and suggestions hoping now a relationship may evolve.
One of the most valuable traits of an INFJ-T is their honesty, and in this particular man’s honesty he made it clear to the employer that he was not interested in developing any relationship with anyone. Now, the back ground of that is the man had been hurt many times before and was still healing from the past relationship that burned him badly. Relationships where the women saw the man as a rare find and expected him to change to meet their expectations of their ideal man. When he didn’t, they literally destroyed him.
Do not be fooled by a man who has been burned badly by relationships,
For he is far stronger than you will ever know and is far less capturable as a result.
These types of women, refused to respect the man’s personality type, his past or his own needs, only thinking of their own loneliness. Seeing a kind, caring, considerate man who is talented and helpful as a rare find in their eyes. They take little to no time to actually get to know this man, for that does not matter to them, their plans are to build the man into the version they expect, and having a sound foundation is a good start in their eyes.
As the women makes further advancements, the man begins to feel extremely uncomfortable and even threatened. For he seeing the same stages of control as the ones he has experienced in the past beginning to emerge. Many HSP’s do not know how to respond to situations such as this, instead they react, for their emotions take hold and turn on their fight or flight subconscious behavior. Most chose the flight, for they try very hard at avoiding any confrontation.
The sudden and unexplained distancing then triggers those who are seeking to capture them to equally react, for rejection is not part of their adopted self-worth personality. Remember, its all about business. Their need to “Close the deal” on something they want becomes an obsession and if they can not close that deal, they must find a reason why to not face humiliation in losing a business transaction. The easiest reason is usually, they found something wrong with it
These women then go about telling everyone and anyone within reach. Largely because they do not want those that have come to respect them to discover they were wrong, that in fact the person was a good person and they simply couldn’t capture them. Painting the man as a villain, or monster is so easy these days, for many women have been convinced ALL men are this way…..I wonder why?
In their smear campaign, these good men, kind men are further made to feel broken by the false label placed upon them and the belief others have upon hearing, but never validating the labels. So, these men prefer to slip away, hide from the ever-increasing ruthlessness of relationships, but offering their help just because it’s in their personality trait. It’s a viscous circle for them.
Rejected women will destroy a man’s reputation simply because they do not want to
hold have a reputation of being undesirable after they have told all their friends how wonderful that man was.
In psychology, one begins to learn that these adopted “Self-Worth” people will use any tactic they can to close that deal, except the one’s they no longer are connected with. Those being, kindness, caring, compassion and understanding. For materialistic “self -worth” has replaced the true meaning of self-worth.
So, that’s the story and with all stories there is a moral.
Relationships must be developed! In that development, both parties must be not only compatible but understanding of each other incompatibilities. People who want a version of a partner they have concocted in their minds that find a person who may fit if they just change a few things is destine for failure. Not just in the relationship, but in the destruction of each person emotionally.
There is nothing wrong with two people who can help each other see areas in which they can improve, but that has to be mutually understood and accepted. Just telling someone to improve is unacceptable, if you intend on having a relationship with them. Helping them find a way to make that change creates a bond like no other.
As a Man, I find it difficult in understanding the vast versions women seek in us. Some men, out of pure loneliness attempt to change their personality trait to become the version they feel a woman they like, or in many situations would tolerate would accept, giving up the men they truly are inside. Equally, women try and become versions of what they believe a man they desire would want. Often this can last for years, each pretending to be someone they are not. Those who have a better understanding of connection, do not fall for this pretentious expectation. However, these are the people who face the most amount to judgment, for their rejection an incompatible partner must mean they are broken in some way or another.
We all have room for improvement! Some, want to improve and are trying very hard to do so. Others want the perfect mate out of the box, free of blemishes and marks, believing they themselves are perfect. Still others seek partners that will coddle them, validating their imperfections and then there are those who feel they can fix the person who is broken with a magic wand of their own self-taught ways. It is these reasons that healthy, long-lasting relationships are as rare as my personality trait. Few people take the time, let alone devote the energy to developing a bond. A bond that takes a life time of work to keep together.